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Throwback Thursday: Respect Yourself

It’s Throwback Thursday again (What’s Throwback Thursday?). I actually kind of like this post. Having become single a few months prior to this post, I was back in the dating world and finding that I was not thrilled with my options. While I don’t remember the exact details behind this post, I’m pretty sure it must have been in reference to the fact that the guys I was dating were not meeting my standards. As might be expected, I began to question whether or not my standards were too high. Here is the post:

[Comments by 2012 Susan]

9-19-2002
1:35 PM

I was thinking today about who I am as a person. I think everyone makes decisions in their life that affect all other areas of their life. Those decisions aren’t the ones you make everyday but every once in a while they come along and however you decide changes your life significantly.

For example, you become a smoker. You are, from that moment on, a smoker. When you go to restaurants you sit in a completely different section from everyone else [For my younger readers, there was a time when you could smoke in restaurants. Crazy, right?]. You must leave the room to go smoke a cigarette outside. You don’t see it as an inconvenience because it’s something that you choose for your life and therefore you are happy with your status as a smoker (there are some exceptions, but you know what I mean). I am not a smoker, so for me it seems like spending that extra money on smokes [really, Susan? Did you just call them smokes?] each week and making your breath and clothes smell would be a burden, but for smokers, the positives outweigh the negatives.

The same principle can be applied to my life. I will be the first to admit that I have made decisions in my life that others might see as a burden. There are certain things that I choose not to do, not because I feel forced not to, but because they are things that I decided not to make large priorities in my life. On very rare occasions do I ever regret these choices I make for myself. And even when I do, I eventually come back to my pre-established beliefs sooner or later.

Basically what I am saying is, I don’t want that other kind of life. I am so fine with other people having that kind of life. I don’t think I am better than them. I am just different and I understand that. But I also don’t want to be with someone who cannot see things in the same way that I do. Someday, somewhere, I will meet someone who is on the same page as me. [Spoiler alert: I was right, this happened!] And that is going to be an awesome day. [It was!] But until that day, I really have no reason to be upset, because every person that comes into my life NOT seeing things the way that I do, is not the person for me. I think the disappointment is less the fact that I cannot be with that person, but more that the person is not quite the person I thought he was. I really do believe that there is someone who will share my same values in life but there are a lot of people in this world. I would be naive to think that I would find that person so soon in my life. [Little does 2002 Susan know, she meets this person five months after writing this post]. For now, I’m content with waiting it out. It’s better than being with someone who you know isn’t quite right.

This is my advice to others: don’t be with someone, or stay with someone, because you are afraid that no one else will ever come along. Don’t let yourself believe that you are not worth the best. Don’t question what you feel inside. You feel that way for a reason. If you cannot love yourself when you are single, you will never love anyone else. If you think you do, you are mistaken.

Throwback Thursday: What is Family?

It’s Throwback Thursday again, though I’m beginning to think I should change the name to “Deep Thoughts From a Clueless College Student.” But since Throwback Thursday is shorter and a bit catchier, let’s stick with that.

[Modern Day Susan commenting]

September 2, 2002 [My 20th birthday, seems I was taking this one a little better than my upcoming birthday.]
11:56 AM

What is a family? I started thinking about this yesterday while spending the day with a friend’s family in the Poconos. Isn’t it interesting to watch other families be together? It’s so weird watching a bunch of people who all look similar sit around a room and talk. They know things about each other that other people don’t. They have a history together.

Sometimes I forget the feeling of a nuclear family. I am fine with my parents’ divorce, honestly, it doesn’t bother me. But there is something about having a mom and a dad together doing stupid things like riding a car together that I miss. I can’t remember the last time my mom and dad were in the same car. This is silly for most of you I know [well at least I could recognize my odd train of thought at the time...], but when you get so used to a life different than that, when you are so used to your dad living in one place and your mom living in another, you forget that at one time, they used to live together.

So while thinking about my family and how much I missed that feeling of being together, I realized that I have a different kind of family at school. I consider my good friends to be sort of a family. The ones that see me when I haven’t showered or brushed my hair and don’t even give me a second glance. These are my girls. We make dinner together, we pick on each other, we tell the truth to each other even when we dont want to hear it. I don’t have any sisters, but I think that this is what it feels like to have them. The day trip yesterday got me thinking how lucky I am. Two of my favorite people riding in a car down to Pennsylvania. We didn’t have awkward pauses when no one was talking, we didn’t have to watch what we said. The whole day I could not get over how lucky I was to have such great people in my life.

This continued this morning when I was awakened by a blindfold being put around my eyes by these same girls. They then changed me out of pajamas, tied my wrists together and took me to breakfast. [If memory serves me correctly, I believe I was allowed to take the blindfold off once we arrived at the restaurant.] Seriously it was the best birthday morning ever. They didn’t even have class this morning but I did and they woke up extra early to take me out before I had to leave. [That is love, am I right college students?] Seriously, these are great girls.

“The best kind of friend is one you can sit on a porch with and swing with, never saying a word and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.” [I didn't cite this quote in the original post. Apparently I felt the quotations marks were citation enough. I have since googled it to discover that the author is unknown. So there you go.]

[Stay tuned next week as we get one step closer to college Susan totally losing it after finding out that her ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend. But I'm jumping ahead. We still have more posts of me convincing myself that I've moved on, though I am pretty disgusted with the dating pool I've jumped back into.]

Throwback Thursday: Is Chivalry Dead?

It’s week two of Throwback Thursday (what is Throwback Thursday, you might ask? Read the intro post here.) Again I’d like to remind you that at the time of writing these posts, I had recently broken up with my boyfriend. I was what you might call “on the rebound.” Sadly, my high standards seemed to be getting in the way. If I had to define my writing style I would use the world melodramatic and slightly annoying. But I do find these posts pretty humorous because they seem so pointless now. At the time, you must realize, I thought I was being very profound. Anyway, enough commentary from present day me, let’s read what 2002 Susan had to say.

[comments made by 2012 Susan]

August 28, 2002 12:38 AM [another late night posts. Those were the days...]

Is chivalry dead? I thought of this question while in the movie theater watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” [As a poor college student, I'm absolutely shocked I would spend money to see this movie in the theater. I have a vague memory of going to see this, I'm pretty sure it was playing at the dollar theater. That makes it a little better.] I’m sitting there watching the guy in the movie propose to the lead and I started to wonder what happened to chivalry. Don’t get me wrong, there are still guys out there that are more than polite when it comes to the dating world, but I feel as if a women’s independence might slightly diminish the chances of finding a chivalrous man. Here is my logic:

I consider myself a pretty independent person. This meaning that I do not tend to need someone to constantly lean on to get through life. I was raised by a mother who taught me that I could do anything a boy could do. Therefore it never dawned on me that girls were anything less than boys. It seems to me now however that this independence is a factor in how I related with guys. I want a guy who will walk me to my car, open the door for me, protect me, but I feel like those guys are too busy being chivalrous with “needy” girls. Okay I know this is hard to follow but hear my out. [I can't tell you how much it pains me not to edit this so that it's not hard to follow, but in the interest of keeping the integrity of the posts, I'm copying these old posts as is.]

If you are a girl like me, who has never thought that she was anything less than boys, it would not dawn on you to have a guy open the door for you when you get to a building or go to get in your car. So if you are not looking for these behaviors, will you not find them? Is chivalry only there for girls who want that and “mold” guys into being that way? If you accept a guy who is not chivalrous and then decide later that you would like him to be more of a gentleman later on, is it too late? And if it is not, if guys are really chivalrous at heart, why are they so quick to drop the attitude as soon as they meet a girl who does not demand it?

I don’t really know where I am going with this other than that the movie made me really want a guy that would walk that extra mile for me. Someone who would know that while I don’t show it, it would be nice to receive that random act of kindness once in a while.

So to answer my question about whether chivalry is dead, I would have to say that no it is not, however for girls like me, it just tends to come less often than it seems to in the movies.

Introducing Throwback Thursdays

Earlier this week, my kids and I were having a dance party in our living room as we often do during hot summer afternoons. After a few minutes of throwing them in the air and spinning them around, I sat down and took a break next to our bookcase. While sitting on the floor watching my kids continue to tackle each other (our dance parties quickly turn into wrestling matches) something on the bookshelf caught my eye: a journal I made in college.

But this isn’t any journal. This is a collection of writings written on my first blog in college. Yes, I had a blog in college. It was on one of those Live Journal or Open Diary sites. Honestly, I have very little memory of it. I did, however, anticipate that I would forget all about this blog and so at some point in college, I printed out all the entries and made a scrapbook out of the entries.

[Side Note: I'd like to take a moment and reflect on the fact that I had time to scrapbook a journal. Okay that's it. Moving on.]

So while I was sitting on floor reading through the entries, I was struck by how similar my writing style was. I’ll admit the content was pretty different, but rather than use the blog as a daily account of my activities (though there are some entries like that) I found myself writing about my thoughts. Rather than reflecting on motherhood, my college blog was often reflecting on being single. You might notice a slightly melodramatic tone, just go with it because what 20-year-old isn’t a little melodramatic?

I decided to share these posts in what I’m going to call “Throwback Thursdays.” For the next few Thursdays, I’ll be sharing posts from my college blog.

First here is some back-story. I wrote the blog my junior year of college. Earlier that summer, I broke up with my boyfriend. While the break-up happened in June, I didn’t really deal with it until I returned to school in August and had to see him on a regular basis. [Note to girls: while it seems cool that all of your girl friends are dating friends of your boyfriend, if you decide to break up with said boyfriend things get awkward when everyone wants to hang out.]

So without further adieu, here is entry number one [Comments made by 2012 Susan]

August 28, 2002 – 12:50 AM [Can we note the timestamp on this thing? Clearly a sign that times were different]

Change is really kind of a weird thing wouldn’t you say? I mean, when you think about it, everything is change. Everyday something new happens that didn’t happen the day before. You could even break it down simply to that you eat different food each day. Everyday you are constantly doing things differently than you did the day before. So technically we should be really used to change right? Because our whole life is just a series of changes. Why, then, is change so hard?

How come then [did I really just write 'how come'???] there are some things that when they change affect everything else in your life? Physically is doesn’t interfere with anything, but emotionally it changes everything else that you do. Your mind set is different going into things. And it’s also not like you can see the problems coming. They just hit you in a passing thought randomly. Like driving in a car thinking about what you are going to do next and suddenly like a flash lightning you remember how things are different. And until that moment it was fine and it was normal but now it’s scary and hurts just to think about it.

It’s not that I don’t deal well with change. That is not the problem. I am all about meeting new people and doing new things. However it’s the not knowing that kills me. Not knowing when things will get better, not knowing how strongly things will effect me, not knowing when to smile and when to cry. That’s scary to me.

I will say this though. Sometime life sucks, but sometimes life is really good. And the object is to maximize the time when it’s really good, but you would never really appreciate things unless you dealt with the sucky parts too. There is a quote from Hope Floats that says: “Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.” So that is kind of how I am going to take things now. Knowing that eventually this scary part will be over.

[End of post. Hang in there readers. I promise they are not all a pity party for Susan. Okay if I'm being honest, a lot of them are. BUT hang in there. Or don't. I'll post them on Thursdays. If you don't care for them, just don't read my blog on Thursday. Consider yourself warned.]