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It’s Not You, It’s Me

I wish there was some sort of sign that I could wear when I walk in. A sign that said something like “I’m not looking for a commitment right now.” I feel like that sign would clear things up.

I don’t want to lead you on. I’m sure you are a really great person. It’s just, I’m not looking for anything serious right now. I don’t want to be tied down to just one person. I want to be free to see other people. I’m not saying I don’t want to see you again. I do, I think. I mean, when I left tonight, I felt beautiful. I really did. But tomorrow morning I’m going to wake up and be the same old person again and I’m not sure I’ll remember that rush of self-esteem. Tomorrow things will be difficult. And I’ll resent you for it. I’ll resent how easy things were with you and now that you are gone, I can’t have it anymore.

Even if I was ready for a commitment, you wouldn’t be happy with me. I wouldn’t want to see you as often as you’d want to see me. I know today you were hoping that I’d schedule a time we could see each other again. I told you that I’d call you. You gave me your number. I’ll be honest, I might keep it in my purse for a few months, but eventually I’m going to clean out my purse. I’ll see your number and I’ll think back to our time together.  I’ll think about tonight but I probably won’t call. It will have been too long. I don’t want to explain why I didn’t call you sooner. Maybe you won’t care, maybe you would just be happy that I called, but I’ll feel guilty. I’ll also question if things will be good the next time. Sure tonight went well, but was that a fluke? What will it be like next time? What if the next two times things go well but the fourth time things go bad? I’ll feel trapped. I’ll feel like I am in too deep. I’ve committed and now I need to keep seeing you even though things are different.

I’m not saying we can’t do this again sometime. Maybe in a few months, when I’m ready, I’ll walk back in and I’ll see you. Maybe you’ll be sitting alone and things will be just like they were tonight. Or maybe you’ll be busy with someone else. I understand. Obviously, you can’t just wait around for me to walk back in again. I might sit with someone new. You and I might meet eyes and it might be awkward. I might watch you with someone else and wish it was me. I might smile as I’m talking to someone new, but deep down I’m wondering what things would be like if it was me in that chair next to you.

Judge me if you want. I know I’m not getting any younger. Plenty of women my age have found someone. I hear about the loyalty and devotion other women have in their relationships and I know deep down that I’m never going to have that. I don’t think I even want it. I just can’t see myself committing to one person for the rest of my life. People change. What I like now, I’m probably not going to like in 10 years. Are you going to be okay with that? Are you willing to grow with me like that? After one night, I just don’t know if it’s possible to know something like that.

So here is what I can tell you. I’m happy with my haircut. I think you did a great job. You did what I asked you to do. I think you are great hair stylist and are very talented. I’m sure you make a lot of your clients happy. I’m sure you would make me happy. I just can’t make you my stylist right now. I’m just not ready. I hope you understand.

 

Comments

Dana Patterson

Haha… you’re stuck with the Patterson’s though!

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