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Throwback Thursday: Rose Colored Glasses

The time has come. This is the final Throwback Thursday. I’m not sure what prompted me to end my blog at this point but for whatever reason this was my final post. Whether I did it on purpose or not, I think this is a great final post. Considering all the ups and downs I went through during that semester, this reminds me that I made it through everything with a smile at the end.

[Comments by 2012 Susan]

November 20, 2002 4:27 PM

Recently I have been told that I see the world in rose-colored glasses. I don’t entirely dispute this fact, but I think because I do not know any different, it doesn’t seem to me that I see the world any differently than anyone else.

But then I began to think about situations and the different ways people can perceive them. For instance, a lot of good things tend to happen to me. Case in point, last week I found two tickets on the ground to the sold out Counting Crows concert at Cornell [this still remains my best lesson on why you should also pick up trash that you see littered on the ground]. That’s a pretty big thing, but I also tend to get good parking spaces and luck out in other situations. But I don’t luck out anymore than anybody else. I think I just notice it more.

I think that I get my fair share of misfortunes as well. I am not saying horrible things, but two weeks ago my computer crashed and I lost 4 pages of the outline for my paper [this happened to me more than you can believe, even in a world of auto save. Amazing right?]. Or there was also the time I lost my favorite cross necklace then, a week later, I lost my favorite ring. That’s not lucky at all. Maybe I just take things better.

Maybe I do see the world differently. When I was walking home from class today I was thinking about how wonderful it was that we had such a nice day of weather. Wouldn’t everyone notice a beautiful day of sunshine? Does that make me simple? Maybe. But it’s not because I am not intelligent. [Okay wow. We just took a big leap there, didn't we? I'm guessing there is more to this story. Seems a little defensive to feel the need to defend commenting on a beautiful fall day, not quite sure what was going on here.] I may point out a lot of stupid things about life, but it’s not because there is a lack of other thoughts roaming around in my head. I just tend to focus on the good. Sometimes the good things in life are no more than a warm day in the middle of the November. It may not be the best news ever, but it’s still a good thing about the day.

So sure, hand me those rose-colored glasses, I will wear them any day if it means that I will be able to enjoy the day better than someone who can’t see the silver lining in the clouds.

Throwback Thursday: Life is the Small Moments

I don’t want to freak anyone out, but we are down to the last two Throwback Thursdays. This actually works out perfectly because the Thursday after next is Thanksgiving which is a perfect stopping point. Who wants to mix a delicious Turkey dinner with young twenties angst? Most of you will be visiting family and will have plenty of drama to fill your day, you don’t need to read about mine from ten years ago. I’m pleased to inform you that today’s post has no mention of my ex-boyfriend. In fact, it doesn’t mention any guys. For my loyal Throwback readers, this is going to be rather hard to believe. I will point out that this entry is an entire week after the last post so it does seem that I have started to see the bigger picture in life. I enjoyed re-reading this post because I have very little memory of this night which, after reading it, is somewhat ironic. Without this post, it might have been lost from my memory forever, but because I wrote about it, I have it. I’m thankful for that.

November 15, 2002  12:20 AM

[Comments by 2012 Susan]

I think that life is made up of a bunch of small moments. Nothing really big ever happens, or if it does, it is rare. But what does happen is years go by, you look back and remember a bunch of different memories. Think of high school. You don’t think of senior year all at once. You remember homecoming, senior skip day, and graduation parties. They are a bunch of little memories put together. That’s what life is. There are a lot of things that happen that we file away and never think about again. But they are just as important as other things that happened to us.

Okay Susan, where are you going with this one? [Not, an error there, that's actually 2002 Susan asking that question.] Last Sunday I was sitting at The Nines [a bar] listening to one of my best friends singing at an open mic night. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing and we decided to go just 30 minutes before we left. I was sitting there listening to her, at a table with the other three girls I am going to live with next year, and it struck me that I never wanted to forget this moment [I think we can agree it's a good thing I wrote this post, wasn't it?]. It was nothing special, well my friend was amazing, but it wasn’t some huge concert with her playing in front of thousands. It was just her singing to a bunch of people chillin’ [not a typo, I actually wrote chillin'] in a bar on a Sunday night. I was kind of jealous of her in that moment. She was doing something she loved and she was sharing it was other people. I don’t know if she will remember that specific night in 20 years. Maybe one day one of her kids will ask her if she ever sang on stage and she might reply “Oh, a couple of times in college, it was no big deal.” But it was a big deal. It was life. It was four girls taking a break from homework to see someone they cared about perform. The fact that I could share that moment with my four future housemates was really great.

People go their whole life waiting for something big to happen. Meanwhile, they overlook all the little things that are going on around them that make up life. There is a quote that says “life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” Too often we go our whole life waiting for things to get good. When really, if we were to just sit back and enjoy what was going on around us, we would find that living life is not about jumping from a plane or making lots of money. Life is sitting with your friends watching your favorite TV show; life is making hot chocolate on a cold day; life is watching your friend sing the best version of a Jewel song you have ever heard. That’s life.

Throwback Thursday: Finding What Was Lost

Another week has passed and it’s time for another Throwback Thursday (catch up on past weeks here). If you read last week’s post, you’ll remember that in the last post 2002 Susan seemed to be on an upswing. The good news is, two days later she still seems to be doing okay. The back news is, she seems to be stuck in her “Deep Thoughts” stage, dishing out thoughtful pieces of wisdom like only a 20-year-old can. On that note, enjoy.

November 7, 2002 1:45 PM

[I'm going to be honest, there aren't any comments today. I literally have no words for this post.]

So yesterday morning I am about to dry my hair and I can’t find my comb. It’s not in any of the spots that I usually put it. Everything else is there, except my comb. With the exception of the hair dryer, this is the single most important element of the hair drying process and I can’t find it. So I grab another brush and make do. Not the ideal situation, however I didn’t have much choice. I finished drying my hair, returned the brush to the shelf and, lo and behold, there is my comb.

Isn’t that just how things always work? You look everywhere for a notebook and when you finally give up and go to class, you come back and there it is, under something on your desk. You can’t remember the tune of a song and then an hour later when it doesn’t matter anymore, you remember it word for word.

If you’ve lost something, the moment you don’t need it anymore you will find it.

I can’t say that the comb incident was some revelation in my life and everything is okay now. However, I will say this: I have to trust that that’s how things will work. I can’t rush things and look for what is missing. I have to work on finding a way to made do with what I have. And until I have moved on and forgot that I was missing something, only then will I be able to find it.

Throwback Thursday: I Can’t Sing

Last week’s Throwback Thursday was a little bit of a downer. I’m happy to report that this week’s post is a little more positive. While 2002 Susan probably thinks she’s on the road to recovery, I think it’s probably just the lack of sleep that is putting 2002 Susan in this weird mood. No need for a lot of back story on this one, so here it is:

[Comments by 2012 Susan]

November 5, 2002 11:20 AM

This morning, I was driving back from Cornell listening to music and singing along to a song and suddenly I stopped focussing on the song and started listening to my voice singing along. And I realized that I am a horrible singer, I mean I was nowhere near on pitch, but still there I was just singing along.

And then I started to laugh. Because it was suddenly the funniest thing in the world [sounds like exhaustion, right?] And then I was laughing so hard that tears were coming from my eyes. At this point I have parked my car and was walking to the apartment, laughing so hard. Luckily I didn’t see anyone during this walk, because I must have looked so funny.

I don’t know why it was suddenly so funny to me. I have always known that I can’t sing. Today it was just the funniest thing listening to my voice next to the singer’s voice.

Life is funny sometimes [Here we go, Deep Thoughts with Susan time]. There are times when nothing seems to be going your way but then you find yourself in a car singing by yourself and cracking up. The thing that makes a difference is not what’s going on around you, it’s how you view the world. If you look for the bad things, you’ll find them. But if you look for the good things, you’ll find those.

Everyone needs a few sad days and what I have learned through all of this is that you can’t hold it all in. Because when the day comes to let it all out, it hurts a lot more than if you let it out over time.

So I can choose to be upset about things or I can focus on the positives. I can be happy for myself. I can have fun with being me. I don’t have to be sad that I don’t have that person who loves me just as much as I love him. I have so many things to be thankful for. I am going to Japan in April! Who does that? [Not me, actually. Turns out that trip gets cancelled and I don't end up going to Japan at that time. Good thing 2002 Susan doesn't have that piece of information, it would probably send her back into a tailspin.] I have the best friends in the world. I have two great caring parents. Honestly, things are good.

So yeah I am going to eat lunch now, because I haven’t eaten a full meal in three days, and I am a little hungry.

Throwback Thursday: All Cried Out

It’s Thursday which means that once again it’s Throwback Thursday (New to Throwback Thursdays? Catch up here). As promised last week, I skipped over the post where I only wrote the lyrics to All Cried Out by Allure. If you would like to preserve the authenticity of this series, you can take a moment to read those lyrics here. Last week’s post focussed on the closure I felt after finding out that my ex-boyfriend had a new girlfriend. Today’s post is a bit of a backslide from that positive attitude. Sorry for the emotional roller coaster folks; just think how my roommates felt. Am I right, ladies?

[Comments by 2012 Susan]

November 3, 2002 7:40 PM

So wow. What a day. I haven’t cried like I did today in a long time. But I think it was a good thing. I was tired of being the strong one. Holding it all in. I honestly think that my mind had done such a good job of convincing myself of all the good things about the break up, that for this whole time whenever I felt like crying I would say, “don’t cry, you did the right thing.”

But what I never dealt with was the devastation of losing my best friend [okay 2002 Susan, you dated the guy for ten months, five of which he was studying abroad in Italy. Best friend? Really? Are we perhaps being a little dramatic?] He was the person I could go to with anything and he would be there for me. Initially I had hoped that after we broke up I would still have that with him. But I don’t. I lost him entirely. It hurts. So this weekend I finally gave in and cried. He’s with someone new and, honestly, I am really happy for him [I think we can all agree that's probably stretching the truth a bit.] And I hope she’s everything for him that I couldn’t be [Fun fact: she is. I know this because he later marries this girl.] But I still miss him as my friend.

I must have cried for over three hours straight today. I knew I had to cry to make things okay. I had to get all the hurt from him out of my system before I could move on. Getting over a person is so weird. You still have all those good memories and the person still has so many good characteristics, but you know that it’s just not right.

My biggest step right now is to be able to watch girly movies and see other couples without getting depressed. Because it has gotten to the point where I just can’t do it. I can’t listen to love songs without relating every song to him.

Most of all, I realized today that I am not ready to love again [Is that not the most cliché line ever?]. At least not right now. I had been trying to fill the void all this time with someone else, but I still haven’t gotten over losing him yet. I don’t have room for another person right now.

Wow. That felt good. I needed that vent.

Throwback Thursday: Closure

It’s that time of week again, Throwback Thursday! The drama has become intense folks. In case you missed last week, let me fill you in. After pretending to be over my ex for the first two months of my junior year, I ran into him at a Halloween party with his new girlfriend. This sent me into an unexpected spiral of emotions. Which brings us to this week. Not quite sure what happened during the 24 hours between the last post and this week’s post, but apparently it was enough to get me closure. (Spoiler alert: a mere 10 hours later I post a blog entry with just the lyrics to the song All Cried Out by Allure. I can assure you I will skip that entry next week and move on to the next post.) So I’m not sure where this post is coming from, but I hope you enjoy it.

[Comments by 2012 Susan]

November 2, 2002 2:16 AM

Closure is a funny thing isn’t it? I mean it’s totally a real concept.

Tonight I gained closure [the next five posts would imply otherwise]. I didn’t even really know that I needed it until I got it, but I definitely felt it once it set in, and it was a great feeling [though apparently a fleeing feeling].

Until tonight I was frustrated with the way things were, and it seemed to me that things still weren’t settled. But they totally are. The situation now is how it’s always going to be. If something different was meant to be it totally would have happened. [I sound so healthy and mature right? Who would believe that this same girl is 10 hours away from posting sappy song lyrics to her blog?]

People have exes. That’s just a fact of life. And you run into exes, and sometimes they can talk and be cool, and sometimes they can’t. It sucks if they can’t, but what is important to remember is that if one person is with someone, it’s not the other person’s place to try and be his friend. [In defense of my ex, he was a super nice guy and I'm pretty sure the only reason we didn't talk at the party was that I was too mad at him for bringing his new girlfriend to go near him.] Take a step back and be mature. I don’t want to be the ex that the new girl is worried about [clearly I was not lacking confidence this night. As if my very presence in a room would be reason enough for my ex to reconsider his new relationship]. So I won’t put myself in that position anymore. If that is how it has to be, then fine. Okay so I am going to bed.

Throwback Thursday: 3 AM Friends

It’s time for Throwback Thursday again! For those of you who have stuck with me through the absurd posts, this is where the drama begins. As I’ve mentioned before, the fall semester of my junior year was all about getting over my boyfriend whom I had broken up with earlier that summer. For the first few months of the semester I was happily going about my life dating guys, looking for that special someone. And then Halloween night happened. My friend and I went to a costume party hosted by a friend of my friend’s boyfriend. It’s important to note that my friend’s boyfriend’s housemate was my ex-boyfriend. Any logical person would have considered that a friend of my ex-boyfriend’s housemate might also be a friend of my ex-boyfriend. But no, I was too busy making sure my Pajama Barbie costume (really just an excuse to wear pajama pants to a party) looked good to put two and two together that my ex-boyfriend might be at this party. Even further from my mind was the fact that he would be bringing his new girlfriend with him. So imagine my surprise when I walked into this party and immediately saw my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend sitting on his lap (as if there wasn’t any room next to him on the couch!). Anyway, you can imagine how the rest of my night went. Unfortunately, I was my friend’s ride home so I couldn’t just leave. I spent the next two hours trying to avoid the living room at all costs. Later that night, when I got home, I wrote this post.

November 1, 2002 12:37 AM

Everyone always talks about independence and how it’s this great thing. Like “Wow, she’s such an independent person. She can do it all on her own. That’s great.” So in a way, society has taught us that it is good to be independent.

Guys have always been taught they should be able to handle anything that comes their way. To ask for help is a sign of weakness.

Girls in our generation are young enough that we have never been taught to rely on someone else. We are independent women who can make it on our own. We don’t need another person to help us through. I think the concept of idolizing independence is crap. People are not better off alone.

We have a natural tendency to want another person in our life to share our thoughts with. When something goes wrong, we want to call up someone to talk with and make it better.

I am not good with sharing my feelings. Anyone who knows me knows that I will hold things in until the last possible second before I tell someone how I feel. My reasoning is that it’s my problem and I can deal with it myself. To cry about something means I can’t handle it. If I can’t handle it, I am weak. The fact of the matter is, I am afraid that if I actually open up to a person, if I tell someone what I am really thinking, the person will react in a way that will make me feel as if I shouldn’t have those feelings.

But there are certain people I can open up to. And when I do, I feel so much better. And until I talk to one of those people about it, there is no way I can get over it.

It takes a special kind of person to be that person. There are only a few people that I would consider calling at 3 AM on the verge of tears. I know that when they pick up the phone, no matter how tired and groggy, they will immediately snap to it when they hear my whimpering voice.

I don’t make a habit of calling people at 3 AM but it’s good to know what they are there. And whether it’s 3 AM or 10 PM, they are what you need when you need it. I wouldn’t give up those friends to be independent any day. I can’t imagine not having someone to go to when life sucks.

I had a crappy night. I am not going to lie. And yeah, I am still working some of it out. But I have my 3 AMers who I can count on bring me through.

Throwback Thursday: The 4 Types of Guys

It’s Throwback Thursday again! While last week’s post was pretty mortifying, I’m actually really excited about this post. This is perhaps the only post in the entire series that I remember writing and actually refer to today. As you might recall from previous Throwback posts, the early months of my junior year fall semester were spent trying to pretend I was over my ex-boyfriend. This ‘pretending’ basically consisted of me dating (or trying to date) a lot of different guys in hopes that one of them would be able to fill the void. Basically what I found was that none of them came close to my standards (or they didn’t stick around long enough for me to find out). Anyway, in a momentarily clear moment of thinking, I characterized all guys into 4 categories. So without further adieu, I present to you ‘The Four Types of Guys.”

[Comments by 2012 Susan]

October 23, 2002 9:54 PM

The Crush – The first type of guy is the crush. This guy is in your class, or perhaps a club that you are in or maybe he eats in the dining hall at the same time as you every day. Before class you may share some small talk about the upcoming test, but conversation rarely goes any further. Usually you know very little about this guy other than your common bond. For instance, you may know his major because he’s in a lot of your classes but you don’t know what he does on the weekends, who his friends are or any other details. Since Guy #1s are largely a mystery to girls, girls cannot help but fill in the blanks for the missing information about these guys. For instance, not knowing what these guys actually do on the weekends means it’s safe to assume they’re volunteering as big brothers for underprivileged kids. If they’re absent from class, it’s not because they’re skipping, it’s because it was their week to serve lunch at the homeless shelter. Guy #1s can become very dangerous to get to know because they are never quite the perfect guys you imagined them to be. It’s best to keep guy #1s at a distance.

The Hot Guy At A Party- [okay, I'd like to remind readers that I was a mere 20-years-old when I wrote this. I was still young and immature.  I'm not proud of this characterization. Please know I've matured over the years.] The second type of guy is the physical attraction guy. This is the guy you meet at a party and spend the night flirting with. Maybe you will dance together all night or talk or play darts. As his title implies, he is usually above average looking. While you may talk with him about more things that small talk, the conversation is really just a chance to flirt. No matter how great the night with this guy goes, it rarely leads to anything else. Usually the guy is not looking for anything. It is important to not forget this. If you think about Guy #2′s after the night is over, you will just get hurt. Guy #2s are usually fun to hang out with but they are nothing serious.

The Guy Things Just Click With – Guy #3 is the guy that comes out of nowhere and becomes your boyfriend. Okay so it doesn’t happy that fast, but he’s the guy that everything just clicks with. Maybe you meet at a party or he’s a friend of a friend. From the moment you meet, there is a mutual attraction and you begin to see each other a lot. Eventually you are an item.

The Friend – Guy #4 is the friend. Sometimes he starts out as a Guy #1 or even sometimes a Guy #2. A Guy #4 can also become a Guy #3 but usually he has passed the point where you can be attracted to him. He’s more like a brother than a boyfriend.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: It is important to remember that things can get ugly when Guy #1s becomes Guy #2s. That is to say, you finally see your crush at a party and you work up the nerve to talk to him and he’s yours for the night. This is dangerous because you still have to see him in class on Monday. A lot of girls build up their crushes to be perfect and when they realize they are not, that they are actually just Guy #2s, everything goes a little crazy. Also, once a guy is a #2, there is little chance he will ever become a Guy #3. Guy #2s don’t want to be in a relationship. In summary, it’s best to never try to date Guy #1s or Guys #2s. Both will disappoint you.

It’s best to wait for a Guy #3 to come around.

[I must come clean about something. While I was once very proud of my characterization of these four categories, I must admit I was pretty wrong. While I made it very clear, a girl was not to date a #1 or a #2, I did break my own rule. I dated a #1. It was only a few months after I wrote this post and I was very aware that I was in dangerous territory by agreeing to go on a date with a Guy #1. I just couldn't say no. Good news is, it all worked out. This particular Guy #1 was actually as perfect as I had built him up to be. And two years later, that Guy #1 became my husband. So basically, 2002 Susan didn't really have it as figured as she claimed to.]

Throwback Thursday: Meeting (or Almost Meeting) Matt Damon

It’s Throwback Thursday and I’m just going to say it, this is by far the most embarrassing post in this series. I’m going to be honest with you, I didn’t want to post this. I wanted to skip past this one and go right on to the next post. Mainly because this post is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. But I’ve made a commitment to this series and I feel it only fair to share this with you. So here it goes.  I hope you enjoy it.

[Comments by 2012 Susan]

October 29, 2002  12:23 AM

So today I actually had the following daydream:

I was thinking about the Will and Grace episode last week with Matt Damon. That reminded me of how I missed the episode where Matt Damon hosted SNL. Then I thought how awesome it would have been if he had hosted last Saturday when I was in NYC.

Then I started thinking about what I would say if I met him. And how after talking to me for no more than 3 minutes, he would fall desperately in love with my charm and would ask me to dinner. Then I thought about our dinner and how at the end of the night he would share some long speech about how tonight was the most amazing night he had ever had and he would wait for me to finish school and then he would quit his career to live where ever I wanted and eventually we would get married and start a family [I would like to point out that this was back BEFORE Matt Damon was married with 4 children. So before you call me a home-wrecker, I can assure you that, at the time, he was single or at least appeared single.]

I kid you not. This entire scenario went through my head. By the end I was actually convinced that it could happen and decided I should make more trips to NYC in order to get this dream rolling.

I have problems. I am not going to lie. Sometimes I think my optimism is a bit extreme. It’s one thing to be optimistic and psych yourself out that you can get a date with the cute guy in your class, but it is quite another to think you can get a celebrity to fall in love with you, especially Matt Damon. [For my younger readers who might be most familiar with the "We Bought A Zoo" Matt Damon, I'd like to clarify that this is not the Matt Damon I am referring to. This daydream is about the "Good Will Hunting" Matt Damon.]

Anyway, I just thought I would share this. So when you think you are crazy, just remember this entry and say to yourself “well at least I’m not as messed up as Susan.” Hopefully it will make you feel better. [This statement actually still applies.]

[So there you have it. I would say I am relieved to share this with you, but that would be a lie. It's still just as embarrassing but I hope you have at least enjoyed it.]

Throwback Thursday: Hurts Like Brand New Shoes

After taking a week off, Throwback Thursday is back! Not much introduction needed with this post, so I will just let this post speak for itself.

September 28, 2002
3:51 PM

I just listened to a song by Sade and a line in it is “hurts like brand new shoes.” This line really caught my attention. I was doing homework and had the music on as background noise, but something about that line really struck me. Think about it. Brand new shoes really hurt. This is something everyone has experienced at some point. But the thing about new shoes that hurt is that the hurting can only go away by wearing them more. You can’t wear the shoes once and put them away because they gave you blisters. You have to suck it up and wear the shoes until they don’t give you blisters anymore.

I don’t really know what the rest of the song was about and I am too lazy to play it again in case my theory is wrong, but there has to be a reason Sade choose the simile of brand new shoes to include in the song. There are a lot of things that hurt. For example, touching a hot stove. But once you touch a hot stove you learn not to touch it again. It’s over, you can forget about it.

This is not the case with brand new shoes. Brand new shoes will stay brand new until you wear them in and get used to them. You can’t forget about new shoes. I think this is what the song means. “Hurts like brand new shoes” is saying that there is a pain and it’s not going to go away for awhile. This is the life of the woman in the song. And it sucks because she has to keep going through this life everyday because that is the only way you can make new shoes not hurt, you just have to keep wearing them until the day comes when they don’t hurt anymore.

Side Note: I am in no way relating this to my current outlook on life. I am actually in a pretty good mood but I just really wanted to write about this song because I thought it was really interesting. So don’t worry about me, I am not depressed or anything. :)