Introducing Throwback Thursdays
Earlier this week, my kids and I were having a dance party in our living room as we often do during hot summer afternoons. After a few minutes of throwing them in the air and spinning them around, I sat down and took a break next to our bookcase. While sitting on the floor watching my kids continue to tackle each other (our dance parties quickly turn into wrestling matches) something on the bookshelf caught my eye: a journal I made in college.
But this isn’t any journal. This is a collection of writings written on my first blog in college. Yes, I had a blog in college. It was on one of those Live Journal or Open Diary sites. Honestly, I have very little memory of it. I did, however, anticipate that I would forget all about this blog and so at some point in college, I printed out all the entries and made a scrapbook out of the entries.
[Side Note: I'd like to take a moment and reflect on the fact that I had time to scrapbook a journal. Okay that's it. Moving on.]
So while I was sitting on floor reading through the entries, I was struck by how similar my writing style was. I’ll admit the content was pretty different, but rather than use the blog as a daily account of my activities (though there are some entries like that) I found myself writing about my thoughts. Rather than reflecting on motherhood, my college blog was often reflecting on being single. You might notice a slightly melodramatic tone, just go with it because what 20-year-old isn’t a little melodramatic?
I decided to share these posts in what I’m going to call “Throwback Thursdays.” For the next few Thursdays, I’ll be sharing posts from my college blog.
First here is some back-story. I wrote the blog my junior year of college. Earlier that summer, I broke up with my boyfriend. While the break-up happened in June, I didn’t really deal with it until I returned to school in August and had to see him on a regular basis. [Note to girls: while it seems cool that all of your girl friends are dating friends of your boyfriend, if you decide to break up with said boyfriend things get awkward when everyone wants to hang out.]
So without further adieu, here is entry number one [Comments made by 2012 Susan]
August 28, 2002 – 12:50 AM [Can we note the timestamp on this thing? Clearly a sign that times were different]
Change is really kind of a weird thing wouldn’t you say? I mean, when you think about it, everything is change. Everyday something new happens that didn’t happen the day before. You could even break it down simply to that you eat different food each day. Everyday you are constantly doing things differently than you did the day before. So technically we should be really used to change right? Because our whole life is just a series of changes. Why, then, is change so hard?
How come then [did I really just write 'how come'???] there are some things that when they change affect everything else in your life? Physically is doesn’t interfere with anything, but emotionally it changes everything else that you do. Your mind set is different going into things. And it’s also not like you can see the problems coming. They just hit you in a passing thought randomly. Like driving in a car thinking about what you are going to do next and suddenly like a flash lightning you remember how things are different. And until that moment it was fine and it was normal but now it’s scary and hurts just to think about it.
It’s not that I don’t deal well with change. That is not the problem. I am all about meeting new people and doing new things. However it’s the not knowing that kills me. Not knowing when things will get better, not knowing how strongly things will effect me, not knowing when to smile and when to cry. That’s scary to me.
I will say this though. Sometime life sucks, but sometimes life is really good. And the object is to maximize the time when it’s really good, but you would never really appreciate things unless you dealt with the sucky parts too. There is a quote from Hope Floats that says: “Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.” So that is kind of how I am going to take things now. Knowing that eventually this scary part will be over.
[End of post. Hang in there readers. I promise they are not all a pity party for Susan. Okay if I'm being honest, a lot of them are. BUT hang in there. Or don't. I'll post them on Thursdays. If you don't care for them, just don't read my blog on Thursday. Consider yourself warned.]